Happiness and Relationships

Chris Rock, a famous standup comedian and actor, in his show “Bigger and Blacker” says this about dating and relationships: “When people go on that first date, they never come as themselves. They always send their representatives.  They put on their best clothes, their best clothes, their best personalities, their best manners. They spend hours picking out the right outfit, the right hairstyle, make sure their teeth are the brightest.  They are on their best behavior. They don’t belch or fart or pick their noses or do any of the things that six months later they do.”

The key to a healthier happier relationship is, from the beginning, presenting their true selves. Allowing the person, from the onset, to decide if they like this person and not the representative people tend to show up as on the first date.

In this essay, I will address the theory of unconditional love, what it means to be loved for our core selves and to be known rather than validated.

How do we define unconditional love? Does it mean we love someone no matter how they behave?  Do we expect someone to love us no matter how we behave? Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was quoted as saying “I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality”.  There is a line in the chorus of Tupac Amaru Shakur’s song “Unconditional Love” that says “Never treated me bad, no matter who I was, you still came with that, unconditional love”.  Harold W. Becker, author and founder of The Love Foundation, Inc., defines unconditional love as "an unlimited way of being." From his book of the same title, Becker goes on to say that "the greatest power known to man is that of unconditional love. Through the ages, mystics, sages, singers and poets all expressed the ballad and call to love. As humans, we searched endlessly for the experience of love through the outer senses.” It is apparent that the answer, depends on who you ask.  I define unconditional love as accepting people for who they are and then deciding if this is a person you want to spend your time with.  It is accepting people for their core selves.

The core self comprises our deepest most stable characteristics. It is comprised of the principals we each choose to live by. A person who is passionate, patient, courageous and persistent- might open an animal shelter- as these are characteristics  that are required to be successful from the inside. Yes, it takes money and contacts to run an effective shelter system, but with these characteristics, the tangibles are within reach.  To be loved for materialistic things, fame or power is to be loved conditionally. Once these “conditions” are no longer available then neither is the love.  To be loved for your passion, warmth and intensity is to be loved unconditionally. We often say that dogs love us unconditionally. They do not love of for our possessions. They love us because we care for them and show them compassion and care and love we them.  (ok and maybe for the occasional peanut butter dipped bone, but that’s a different paper). Dogs spend a lot of time watching and observing us. Over time they get to know us. We become known to them rather than being validated by them.

In his book “Passionate Marriage”, sex therapist David Schnarch challenges the view that sex and passion are simply biological drives.  Many people mistake pure sexual desire - lust – for true love, it is not sufficient on its own.  Familiarity leads to intimacy. Being told “ you have a hot body” is nice to hear. But having your body truly loved is better. For a partner to get to know your body, that takes time. Your partner must be familiar with you  and what makes you happy. Validation is almost like, if you fit the criteria of a particular situation, then you are accepted. Being known is when a person knows, you as you are, and accepts you. While it is important to be accepted by others, should they accepted you as you are and not after your conform to certain standards.  

In closing, wouldn’t you rather be loved unconditionally for who you are rather than you who are supposed to be? Living life as you are is much simpler than changing to fit another’s person’s idea of what a mate is, is unnatural and phony.  So the next time you’re on your first date. Go ahead… fart.. be natural. It’s a good test.