I have been asked by my ENG101 Professor to write a blog about an experience of mine that would confirm my agreement with one of the Doctors theories’ in an article in our Composition 101 Textbook “The Pursuit of Happiness”.
When I first got clean in November of 2007, I thought that decision to get clean make my world this blissful place. A place with where there were no problems, challenges or hard times. As the days and months passed, I found out that this was not the case. I began to fall into a deep depression. I was also homeless at the time. At the time, I had no resources: access to housing, family, employment or education. I wanted to know why, if I was working so hard to stay clean, the “magic” hadn’t happened. I thought getting clean was the “magic wand”. It is not. I didn’t know this at the time.
I looked for help in the medical field, in religion, in social workers, in self help books and just about anyone who would offer some insight to the problem. My search rendered me more confused than before. Mental health doctors wanted to put me on medication. I am strongly against any mind altering drugs, due to my sobriety. Religion, well, I think that’s an opinion for another blog. The overburdened social work system offered very little in the way of resolve. Self help books seemed very phony to me and were only in place to make the authors a lot of money. The random people I spoke to on the street or at the library didn’t help because everyone was looking for the same thing I was – peace of mind.
All this drama led me to make a decision, while in a “hot” state. I decided to commit suicide. I remember that night so very clearly. It was raining in the Bronx. As I huddled in a doorway, wondering how I was going to end all this suffering, movement caught my eye. I turned to see a dog moving very quickly towards the garbage can. I didn’t want to frighten the dog, so I remained still and watched. In the moonlight I saw this dog digging through the garbage can, apparently looking for food. I had remembered a sandwich I had received earlier that day at a soup kitchen. I dug around in my bag and fished it out. I remember just holding it out, trying to catch the dog’s attention. This dog eventually caught a whiff of it and started to approach me, ears back, trying to look as submissive as it could. Finally, it got close enough to take a bite of this sandwich. At first I thought the dog would grab the sandwich and run. It did not. After eating it in one gulp, this lay down at my side and kept me warm the whole night. The next morning she was still at my side. That t dog followed me everywhere I went for the next three days. During this time, I had no time to think about suicide. I now was responsible for this dogs eating, as well as my own. I had checked in at my social workers desk one morning and he stated to me that a bed had opened up at a rehab center in the Bronx. I obviously could not bring the dog with me. I went to a city shelter and there they told me they would take the dog in, but could not guarantee that they would find a home for it. They gave me a number I could call to find out the status of the dog. Twenty four hour later I entered rehab. I made a call to the shelter and was told that the dog was put to sleep. It was at that moment, in a “cold” state of rational, that I decided I would spend the rest of my life helping animals. Now had I made that decision while in a “hot” state to commit suicide, I would not be here at LaGuardia Community College working toward becoming a Veterinary Technician, now would I?
Well, that’s about seven hundred twenty five words. Hope you enjoyed this moment looking into my past, because my future is so bright I have to wear shades! A decision made in a “hot” state could have taken all this amazing-ness away!
